Years ago it was brought to my attention that my mouth was like a knife, capable of inflicting deep, painful wounds. For the most part, I’ve always endeavored to be kind to others, but admittedly, on being provoked, a dagger could quickly appear, instinctively knowing exactly where to strike.
Early in the return to my faith, driven by an eagerness to advance in virtue, I sought spiritual advice through frequenting the sacrament of reconciliation (confession). Every time I went, anger (and the negative effects it caused) was at the top of my list of sins. I asked my confessor if it would ever be possible to overcome this vice. He told me I needed to focus my efforts on getting rid of my primary character defect, which was pride. I laughed and thought, “He obviously doesn’t know me very well. I am not prideful!”
Over the years of walking with others who excelled in humility, I began to see just how stubborn I was (and still can be). Ask anyone if they think they are prideful, and you’ll find those who are the most will be the first to argue they aren’t.
Anger issues develop when we want control of something and, for one reason or another, can’t have it. People who view the world with a sense of justice tend to have anger issues. Rules, order, and intellectual correctness are all good in many circumstances, but when they become the root of how we deal with others at the expense of love, they can cause a lot of pain.
I used to blame my harshness on my East Coast Italian heritage. When I’d speak off the cuff and say something demeaning I’d think to myself, “That’s the way I am. If people don’t like it, it’s their problem.” If I said something to someone and realized later it had hurt them, I’d brush off my bad behavior with, “They know I didn’t mean anything by it. They’ll get over it.” Unfortunately, this happened most with those closest to me. I selfishly expected them to deal with my anger because, like a roaring lion, my pride refused to step down to allow for change.
I have a friend who struggles with an addiction. His answer to overcoming it is, “I’ve been this way all of my life. I’ll never change.” As I’ve grown in the ways of Christ, I’ve come to realize we can’t just write off our defects and excuse them away. To do so would be a lie. We are all capable of becoming better versions of ourselves. If we truly care about others as we profess, we have to face the fact that we must change; otherwise, we continue through life being self-absorbed, hurting others, and ultimately being unhappy.
I learned some important things witnessing the actions of my Christian friends: mainly, they didn’t react emotionally to upsets — whether they be life-shattering or little annoyances — and they always tried to look at the big picture, acknowledging there are many sides to every situation. They put their faith into action by saying a little prayer and handing the circumstance over to God, believing He has ultimate control in everything. If something went askew, they trusted there was a reason and were at peace with it. In short, they imitated the behavior of Jesus.
A dear friend, who has since become a great mentor, once told me, “Satan is the king of immediacy. He wants us to react rather than think. When you get that impulse to respond immediately, stop and pray.” This was one the best bits of advice I’ve ever received, seeing I was crowned Queen of Reacting-Without-Thinking very early in life.
As evidenced in the world today, my friend’s statement rings true. The evil of immediacy has created so much chaos and pain. People are less likely to think of others and have become quick to react emotionally, making everything about them. They clamor to be heard and understood yet are slow in respecting and understanding others.
Pride is a deep-rooted vice that takes constant work to uproot. When I finally realized how much my pride hurt those around me, I began begging God to help me overcome it. Through the years, I’ve made some inroads, but not without numerous humiliations. Unfortunately, it often takes being humiliated to learn the virtue of humility.
The fruit of wisdom, gained through years of trusting God and witnessing the outcome, has made me realize I don’t always need to be in control, speak the last word, or prove a point. With humility comes patience. I’m more disposed to putting situations into the hands of the One who truly has control rather than pushing my way. When I do this, He always brings truth to light and produces a positive outcome.
If we claim to love those around us, we must realize that love means seeking that which is best for another. Sometimes what’s necessary is being quiet so the other person feels respected or acknowledged. (I’ve really had to work on this one.) If we must say something, even if we disagree with those whom we confront, it’s always important to be kind. Kindness opens the door to better communication and, in turn, diffuses frustration.
Although it wasn’t comfortable having someone point out how prideful I was and how that pride hurt others, I’m thankful God put a holy priest in my life to bring this character defect to light, as well as friends who were dedicated to helping me grow in love. After 27 years am I still prideful? Yes. Do I still fall? Yes. I’m also thankful for the sacrament of reconciliation, to which I run often in order to begin again in the fight to uproot such a stubborn vice.
To those whom I’ve hurt, let it be known it bothers me a great deal to know my words inflicted wounds. My heart is contrite. I understand we can be forgiven for the things we’ve said, but, unfortunately, some memories don’t just disappear. Sometimes they leave scars only God can erase. Fortunately, we have a Heavenly Father who has the ability to heal them if we let him. He can use those scars to become a firm foundation for building up a stronger love, one which otherwise may not have formed.
While a mouth can work to injure, it also has the ability to heal and bring beauty into the world. Let us resolve to use our lips for good, speaking in ways that uplift others, bring comfort to those who are hurting, and express love to the unlovable. And let us become more aware of those times we should keep our lips closed because it’s not always necessary to speak.
If someone were to ask if you were prideful, how would you respond?
If you find it difficult tossing your dagger to the side, ask God to help you grow in humility. This is the first step to overcoming pride, which will eventually lead to letting go of the anger, and, in the long run, bring about a great deal of peace! Please pray for my continued growth in humility.
At baptism our soul is filled with sanctifying grace, the kind that lives in us and unites us to God’s will. I filled the vase with clean water to signify being filled with his grace. Taking a flashlight, I put it against the glass to show how the light reflects through and out the other side, spilling into the surrounding area. I explained that Christ is the light we receive at baptism and we, like the vase filled with pristine water, are made to reflect his light onto others, dispelling the darkness of this world. This is the mission of every Christian.
With Passion and Purpose 